


As easy as ABC

by Lunnashh



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-28
Updated: 2017-12-23
Packaged: 2018-05-16 19:17:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5837743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lunnashh/pseuds/Lunnashh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>From A to Z, you're always there.</p><p>Or; a dictionary of Yunho & Changmin's life together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. First; Nickname

**Author's Note:**

> Because i have so many plot bunnies and unfinished stories, and waiting for the whole story to finish would take a long long time, i decided to try posting chaptered fics. At least then i can post /something/ lol. Im such a slow writer -_-
> 
> So idk if I'll be able to do the whole alphabet but i'll try www. Also it's in no particular order. Enjoy~

**First**

**[fɜːst] - (a person or thing) coming before all others in order, time, amount, quality, or importance.**

 

Changmin and Yunho's first meeting was less than stellar, as everybody had known. But what's a good relationship that didn't start with a bang? Perhaps, for some unfathomable reason, it was what made them closer than anyone else. At their first debut stage, they held each other's hands so tight the bones were almost grinding. It all went well.

Their first date happened under the pretense of 'just spending day off together between members'. They played in game centre like overgrown children, they shopped for clothes, they took a stroll in the park, they stuffed their bellies, and drove their managers crazy from vanishing for a whole day. It was perfect. And they had their first kiss too, which quickly escalated into eating each other's face. So, killed two birds with one stone.

The first time they had a major fight, they fought like cats and dogs. There were hisses and vicious words and screaming and occasional scratching (Clothes, not face. Never the face). They were similar in terms of stubbornness, regardless of knowing that the blame was on both, so it was civil war for a while.

When days turned to weeks, when thick tension turned to stifling guilt, when Yunho saw Changmin curling on the couch donning his big ol' comfort-sweater and when Changmin saw Yunho holding two cans of beer, they finally said 'hi' to each other. They came around, they always would.

Just before their first comeback stage as a duo, they held hands gently. Changmin's stomach was twisting and Yunho's hands were sweating but they look at each other and smiled. Because even when everyone else was uncertain with their future, they had each other.

Their _first time_ was uncharacteristically, but wonderfully, romantic. It happened in a beautiful and private Jeju beach villa with the perfect view of the sea. Yunho had driven _all_ the way to visit Changmin at the day his drama shooting ended. Their wild monkey sex lasted all night, ruining a table lamp and the bedsheets and their sore asses. Also traumatized their poor manager who had the mistake of coming into their room uninvited (they were on round four).

On their first 'family' dinner in the Shim's house, where they were going to 'meet the parents' and admit to the family that they're ~~screwing~~ seeing each other, things somehow turned from terrifying to _terrifying_. Subtlety wasn't in Yunho's dictionary and his mind was in scrambles so he blurted, just as dessert came, "I love your son. I-I want to marry him and have babies--"

Changmin spitted his drink and broke into a choking fit, "Oh my _God_. Mom, Dad, I--"

"Oh thank _God_ ," Jihye yelled from somewhere in the living room, followed by Sooyeon and Jiyeon's snorts. _Sisters_.

"Wait, what--" Yunho and Changmin said in unison. Mr and Mrs Jung gave them the thumbs up while Mr and Mrs Shim gave them blinding smiles. _All iz well_. Although they did _not_ need the birds and ~~bees~~ birds talk again, thank you.

Skinny-dipping in a Thai resort, horrible hangover that felt like splitting and stampeding their heads, a cliché but no-less-satisfying quickie in a closet, a joint cooking attempt that ended up with ordering takeouts again, Changmin and Yunho had shared many firsts together.

Somewhere along the way, they had begun to share a life.

 

 

**Nickname**

**[ˈnɪkˌneɪm] - an informal name for someone or something, especially a name that you are called by your friends or family, usually based on your real name or your character.**

 

Changmin didn’t do nicknames. Either he called Yunho by his name or 'hyung', or ' _yah'_. It varied in _how_ he called him. Changmin mostly called him 'Yunho-hyung' in public--on stage, rehearsals, when surrounded by staffs and unfamiliar people. Yunho was sometimes _'hyungah'_ in front of his best buddies (although Kyuhyun would send him this shit-eating grin at him because of it, but whatever) and family (and damn if his mom's serene smile was more embarassing than his sisters' knowing smirks). He had tried calling Yunho ' _nii-san'_ in Japan but he weirdly felt like he was in a yakuza movie or something.

An affectionate 'Yunho' when the older had done something endearingly silly. A short and clipped 'Jung Yunho' when their equally thick heads inevitably clashed. A breathy, pleading _'hyung'_ when Yunho was unleashing his inner sexy beast on bed. A long-suffering sigh followed by _'yah'_ when Yunho left a trail of mess behind like the whirlwind he was.

Changmin was of course Changmin or 'Changmin-ah' or 'Changminnie' in public. 'Changdollie' or 'Changdolah' when Yunho was feeling extra doting.

But Yunho had a penchant to entitle ridiculous terms of endearment to Changmin, and an even more ridiculous tendency to forget how he came up with them in the first place.

Changmin, thus, had been a lot of things. He was 'baby' because he _smelled_ like baby powder. He was 'brat' when he was being cheeky and teasing. Honorary mentions to 'cream pie' ("to my caramel macchiato, Changminnie"), a drawl of 'darling' with Jeolla-do accent (which, let's be real, turned Changmin on so much), and 'pretty little thing' (although Changmin was sure he didn't count as pretty _and_ he was taller).

Changmin named Yunho as 'King of the stage' in his phone contacts. Yunho named him, much to Changmin's chagrin, as 'Queen of my heart' and he had threatened to flush the phone down the toilet if Yunho didn't rename it.

Yunho still didn't, that bastard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First written: 4-Jan-2016  
> Finished: 27-Jan-2016
> 
> Comments are ♥  
> Find me on twitter @ lunnashh ^^


	2. Army; Changmin; Yunho

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For Homin middle birthday♥

**Army**

**[ˈɑːmi] - the military forces of a nation**

 

Changmin liked to run his fingers through Yunho's soft hair, so he slightly mourned at the sight of Yunho's new buzzcut. He liked the roughness of it against his skin, though, so he let Yunho nuzzle into his neck. Let him say 'you're going to be like this too in a few months' and let him coo at how his ears were going to stick out even more.

They let themselves cry for the impending day, the night before Yunho had to leave. Just for the night, as they lay breathless and intertwined as one. They'd miss each other terribly, too tuned in to being together. They'd be separated, yes, but after all, it was a 'see you soon' rather than 'goodbye'. In the morning they saw each other off with one last breathtaking kiss and one last beaming smile--for now.

After Yunho walked into the assembly hall, after he had kissed his mother and sister's cheeks, after he had hugged his father tight, he closed his eyes for a moment. There, on the back of his eyelids, he could see a gentle smile, a pair of mismatched eyes. Yunho held his head up high and resumed his steps. A smile on his face.

  
Changmin relished on the last of his schedules. He wrapped up his solo album and drama, performed on some last stages, and then he finally had all the time for himself. Free. So he embarked to Europe for almost a month. Something that had always been his dream. Great place, great company, what else could he ask for?

 

 "How's Europe?"

"It's..." Changmin paused, tried to search for the right words. Any words he could think of ended with 'though I wish you were here.'

"It's rendered you speechless," Yunho chuckled from across the line, "Okay, save it. You need to tell me in person, okay?"

"You know what? I'm so gonna marry Jaewon-hyung," Changmin said loudly so that it was heard by Jaewon and Mihawk, whom were sitting across him in the airport lounge. Jaewon threw him a bag of potato chips.

" _Hey_."

"Easy, tiger," Changmin laughed. Mihawk was sending grins at him."How's your concert? Heard something ripped in the middle of your overzealous performance."

"God, I'm not gonna live it down, am I?" Yunho wiped a hand down his face. It wasn't the first time, but still, the embarrassment... "You know me, I don't do things half-assed."

"My Private Jung Yunho. Always making me proud," Changmin glanced up at the mention of his flight number from the airport speakers. "Okay, gotta go, it's the boarding call."

"Alright. Safe flight, baby. Can't wait to see you."

"Missed you calling me that. See you soon, hyung."

When they met during Yunho's first leave, Yunho felt his heart stutter in his ribs he actually forgot what he wanted to say as a greeting. His fingers jerked on his side and then he threw a salute instead. How he missed Changmin's ringing laughter, the way his body shook with him and his gummy showing in a heartfelt smile. How he missed Changmin's lips on his and Changmin's body in his arms, warm and happy and beaming at his sight.

They fell onto bed together, making use of the short time before Changmin had to fly to LA for one last photoshoot. And then they talked; Changmin about Europe and its breathtaking horizon, about the places he'd been that looked like they were straight out of a painting, and Yunho about the exciting new chapter in his life which was enlisting as a soldier.

Yunho knew Changmin was worried, he'd always been a worrywart afterall but mostly because Yunho too had felt worried at having to let go of the world he'd known as it is for a couple years. So he calmed his lover's fraying nerves as much as he could, telling how the mates were kind and the senior officers were supporting and the experience was valuable. His Changmin was strong, he'd be able to walk on his own.

"You'll do great, I know it."

"Best-cadet level of greatness?" Changmin chuckled, laying his head on Yunho's chest as he listened to the thumpthumpthump. "And of course you _had_ to be in the toughest division."

"I'm Jung Yunho," Yunho simpy said, combing Changmin's slightly damp curls with his fingers.

"And I'm Shim Changmin," Changmin simply said.

"My one and only."

 

Day one wasn't all that bad. Nerve wracking, but at least Changmin had gone in with a friend. His sisters had clung onto each of his arm until the last moment, before their parents enveloped them in a big group hug. 'Take care, son,' they said, and when Changmin had stolen one last glance behind, the four of them (and many of his friends) had looked on proudly. 'Take care, my dearest,' he remembered Yunho had said, with a loving smile on his face. After that, it got easier to breathe.

"C'mon, Changmin," Siwon called, a lop sided grin on his angular face.

Changmin grinned back and squeezed Siwon's arm once, "So Yunho-hyung was hoping you'd take care of me..."

"'Or else'?"

Changmin laughed.

 

They performed with their own ways; Yunho with the band members and Changmin with fellow police in musicals. Changmin thought that Yunho looked very blindingly stunning in his red uniform. Yunho felt immensely proud when Hyoje showed a video of Changmin dancing to Michael Jackson.

 

"Look at you," Yunho breathed, because this was the first time he could finally-- _finally_ \--meet Changmin again after the younger had enlisted.

"Look at you," Changmin parroted, a gleeful smile on his even-more-so-boyish face. Changmin closed the apartment door behind him and immediately came curling beside Yunho on the couch.

The 'I missed you's and 'I love you's were conveyed with healing their yearning after those long months; the sight of each other's smiles, the scent of each other's body, the sound of each other's breathing, right there with no distance between them.

 

 

**Changmin**

**[昌珉] - Beautiful gem**

 

Changmin soothes, steadies, swallows you into void and fills you anew.

  
Changmin holds you tight in his arms, sings lullaby to your ears, precious, dearest.

  
Changmin takes you home, from anywhere to wherever. Changmin guides you back, from the sky to the ground. Changmin finds you, always, as you find him.

  
_Changmin, what are you?_ Enthralling, invigorating, mangling, he drowns he lights he makes. Yearning heart, striking mind, daring soul, a man. _Changmin, where are you?_

  
" _You know where I am_."

 

 

 

**Yunho**

**[允浩] - Wonderful, reliable, eldest son**

  
Yunho warms, burns, scorches you to ashes and breathes life into you.  
Yunho holds you secure in his arms, sways you side to side a bit, priceless, dearest.

  
Your voice, your smile, your madness, your tears, your screams, your anger, youyouyou he drinks them up like ambrosia.

  
_Yunho, what are you_? A wonder, a blessing, a curse, he ruins he blinds he makes. Vivacious heart, wondrous mind, rampaging soul, a man. _Yunho, where are you?_

  
" _I'm here_."

 

  
We realign, we exist, we belong, we _are_.

 

Truly, utterly, completely, helplessly, painfully, deeply, madly,

  
in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finished: 13 February 2016


	3. Love; Red

**Love**

**[lʌv] - to have a strong affection for someone, which can be combined with a strong romantic attraction**

 

Changmin loves in the way he sings, clear and just captivating. He loves you when he calls your name, a lilt in his voice like you're a melody he holds dear in his heart. There's love in his huffs of breath or long suffering sighs, even when faced with the mess you left on your wake. The delicious food he cooks up makes you warm, more so in your heart than in your tummy. The look in his eyes is worth a thousand words even when nothing comes out of his mouth. He fusses over you endlessly, 'have you eaten?', 'you need to take a break', 'wear your jacket!', 'drink mine if you're still thirsty', 'Yunho, please?' Your little chick has grown up into a mother hen.

"Over a decade and you still can't..." Changmin will grumble as he crouches to tie your shoelaces. "Not

"Not gonna happen," Changmin will snatch away the tabasco bottle from your hand just before you're about to add a little too much to your food.

"How do I look?" Changmin will ask absently, as he spins around in front of the mirror, even when fully knowing you'll always answer 'perfect' and you're not helping on deciding which article of clothing he should buy. Even after a million compliments he still flushes ever so slightly.

"Tonight is carbonara!" Changmin will send a grin over his shoulder as he stirs something in a sauce pot, the silly 'kiss the cook' apron you gave him as a joke securely tied around his waist.

"You're gonna get sick too," Changmin will refuse your cuddles when he's sick but he'll stay anyway, weak protests and all, because he loves your extra pampering.

Changmin loves in the way he falls into steps right next to you, never straying too far.

 

 

Yunho loves in the way he dances, fervent and passionate. When he calls your name, Changminah, Changdola, my Changminnie, he's saying 'love'. His hair-ruffling and playful pinches both annoy you and endears you. He's a romantic sap without even trying and you don't admit it out loud that it swoons you. There's love in him, a smile when you get overexcited in a lego store, a laughter when he sees your unamused reaction to his stupid puns, a frustrated groan when his schedules won't allow him to meet you, a kiss in your waking moment and before you slumber. A leader, a friend, a brother, a lover.

  
"Bambi attack!" Yunho will giggle in the morning, coaxing you up from slumber by using Bambi's velvety nose to peck your own.

  
"One more time?" Yunho will sling an arm tight around you, body sweaty and aching from the seemingly endless rehearsals.

  
"It's a date," Yunho will kiss your worries away, hand tugging you through the backdoor, away from an oblivious manager-hyung, away from everything else.

  
"You're cold," Yunho will make you the little spoon, his bigger built plastering against your back and making sure your fingers and toes aren't chilly.

  
"What will I do without you?" Yunho laughs in front of you, and the cameras and all those people, so carefree and embarrassing and honest it hurts.

  
Yunho loves in the way he holds out his hand, for you, and only you, to take.

 

 

**Red**

**[red] - any of various colors resembling thecolor of blood; the primary color atone extreme end of the visible spectrum**

 

Yunho has a red '100 story book' to write down his days and sometimes anything that passes his disorganized trains of thought--song lyrics, quotes, Changmin's doings, doodles, Changmin's sayings. He likes the red of ripe strawberries, sweet and juicy in his mouth. Red is fire, like the passion that blazes so hot and pushes and pushes him to live his life to the fullest.

Changmin has a red leather iPhone case, a red MCM studded bag (one of his favorite because he can whack someone with it), and one Loubotin shoes. He likes the hue of red in the evening sky, when the sun sinks into the horizon with a promise for another day. He thinks that red represents bravery and spirit, the color of blood coursing in his veins.

They have both been a red head (of some sort) at some point; Yunho a soft pink and Changmin a rich wine red. Changmin thinks his hyung looks like a sugarcane fairy, Yunho thinks the other looks like a chocolate fairy.

They turn red quite easily too. Yunho will have a faint blush on his cheeks when he's had too many drinks. Changmin's face will redden when he over exerts himself, or when he's embarassed. 'You look like Anpan-man,' Yunho have said, 'but it's the cheeks, really.'

They have come to be fond of the color red. The view of the pearl red lighting up their stages, waving to the beat, is truly mesmerizing.

The red ocean is something they'd always love to come back to.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finished: 6-March-2016


	4. Bambi; Present

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For Shim Day a.k.a シムの日 and my bb Sherry's birthday♥

**Bambi**

**[ˈbæmbɪɜ] - a familiar name for a baby deer**

 

Bambi wasn't supposed to be that much of a treasure for Yunho, if he were to be honest. It was a gift from a fan and yes it was lovely, but Yunho thought the stuffed doll would perhaps suit her little sister more than a young man entering his twenties.

That was before he found the uncanny resemblance between Bambi and his very own living Bambi.

"You don't like it?" Changmin had asked, holding Bambi for inspection and turning it around in his hands.

And then turned to stare at Yunho with his big doe eyes, long lashes fluttering as he blinked. Little Changmin was all scrawny limbs and awkwardness that reminded him of baby Bambi tumbling over his hooves on ice.

"On second thought...I do," Yunho fetched the doll from Changmin, clearing his throat, "kinda looks like you."

Changmin snorted in disbelief at that, but Yunho got himself a peck so he had it going.

Now Changmin had grown up so well and held himself in a kind of grace that radiated strength all the same. He was quiet in nature, watchful and aware of his surroundings. It wasn't just his eyes or his long and slender neck and limbs, after all.

Yunho had lost count of how many times he brought up this particular topic (in interviews, on stages, in a conversation about the goddamn weather). Changmin looked like a deer, he had always been a child with beautiful eyes, Yunho did lose himself often while staring at those eyes, and _watch out they're going to suck your soul in etc etc._

"On second thought," Changmin tucked Bambi and Yunho into his arms, smiling, _pleased_ , "kinda looks like me."

 

 

**Present**

**[ˈprez. ənt] - something that you are given, without asking for it, on a special occasion**

 

Despite having an abundance of wealth that they'd earned with their own hands, Changmin and Yunho were very responsible in spending money. Most of the time, they only bought things they deemed necessary (except for that stupid painting Yunho bought at an airport. aesthetic his _ass_ ). Which was why neither actually demanded presents from each other, whether it was for birthdays or anniversaries or anything celebratory. As cheesy as it was, being in each other's presence was enough.

Out of the two, though, Changmin was more often at the receiving end. ("You're the receiver. I'm the pitcher--okay, sorry Changminnie, I'm just joking...")

"I just like buying little things for you," Yunho had reasoned. He wanted to be a good and caring boyfriend who gave presents like flowers and chocolates but Jung Yunho didn't do basic!

"The teddy bear you gave me is _massive_ ," Changmin pinched his nosebridge. "How am I supposed to fit it inside my room?"

"But you're very good at fitting massive things inside--joking, I'm just joking, ow--"

Truthfully, Changmin wasn't that hard to please ~~if you're Jung Yunho~~. They did say the way to a man's heart was through his stomach. Yunho couldn't cook that well, but he often did indulge Changmin with whatever culinary delicacies the younger fancied. Changmin didn't even need to play the 'oh my, I forgot my wallet tee-hee' shit like he did with Kyuhyun. A bat of lashes was a done deal.

 

Sometimes, however, they couldn't quite decide on what to give to each other. Yunho ended up thrusting a basket of ten kinds of beers into Changmin's hands, for his 27th birthday, before running away to his own room in embarrassment. Changmin came to him later that day, grinning so wide and then kissing him so softly ("'This is your year,' really? Aren't you a decade late for that, hm?"). At one occasion, too, Changmin didn't know what to get for Yunho's birthday so he just promptly tied a ribbon around his neck and went "I'm your present," (Yunho had never torn off their clothes so fast). Yunho didn't have any problems with the lack of creativity, but he still kinda sulked because Changmin's birthday message was fourteenth in his phone.

"I was busy waking you up with a blowjob, you ass," Changmin thwacked his arm.

"Well, if you put it that way..."

 

A decade was something worth celebrating. Yunho wanted them to have a memento of this commemoration, both for the group and the relationship.

"A ring will give it away, so..." Yunho tried to casually slide an orange rectangular box in front of Changmin, just after they had a nice dinner in their apartment.

Changmin stared at it, "Is that a marriage certificate?"

Yunho snorted a laugh, but then he waited with bated breath as Changmin slowly opened the sleek and shiny Hermes box. Inside, there was a pair of silver chain bracelets, beautiful in their elegant simplicity. Changmin gave a soft gasp and picked them up with his hands.

"Yours are the smaller one, because your hands are tiny and--uh, here, you can pull the toggle through..." Yunho stammered as he helped putting the bracelet on Changmin's wrist, because Changmin was still regarding him silently with a twinkle in his eyes. Yunho continued, "They said that these would be perfect for, um, a statement and signature piece. It was inspired by a chain anchoring a moored boat. All these years you've always been my anchor, and I just want you to know that you're--I don't need presents because I have the best present I could ever ask for. Which is you."

Yunho finished with a cough, shyly looking up at Changmin who was getting increasingly starry eyed.

"Well, shit," Changmin exhaled shakily.

"Is that too much?" Yunho simpered.

"Shut up, I'm going to strangle you if you make me cry," Changmin's lower lip wobbled, but Yunho was quiet when Changmin smothered his face on Yunho's chest. "This is the part where I say I wanna have your babies and--I just--I may not say this often enough, but I _fucking_ love you, okay? You better drill that into your brain, Jung. And you're the best present in my life, too."

"Oh, _Changdola_ ," Yunho kissed the top of his head.

Changmin wore the chaine d'ancre everywhere; abroad, on stages, concerts, airports, baseball games, photoshoots, even the photoshoot for his solo album. It made Yunho cry a little inside with how much Changmin treasured it; he practically flaunted it to the whole world, however inconspicuously.

When Yunho had asked whether it was Changmin's (unconscious) way of saying 'I choose to be yours,' Changmin had laughed.

 

"Oh baby, I'm yours as much as you're mine."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finished: 7-April-2016


	5. Enigma; Opposite

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The 'You' in the Enigma part here may refer to anyone (that you think might be involved) & everyone (meaning more than one person at once) :) 
> 
> Tell me ur thoughts! Who are the 'You's? Which one is which 'You'?

 

**Enigma**

**[i-ˈnig-mə] - One that is puzzling, ambiguous, or inexplicable.**

 

How do you define a bond with words? How would you like to define it?

Can you define that bond?

 

 _Co-workers_ , people say. A duo who knows each other's strengths and weaknesses, how to compensate and compliment. They've been working together for more than a decade, after all. They are true professionals who always strive to improve and do their best in every way possible. Seeing them in their zone is like art, so attuned to each other and it just comes so naturally, automatically.

 _Friends_ , people say. The best of ones who've got each other's back. It goes without saying how much trust and respect they have. They can tell what's in the other's mind with just a look, no words needed. Action speaks louder for them. Their interactions aren't fabricated in any sorts of way, it runs deeper than that.

 _Lovers_ , people say.

 

You see them beneath the star personas. You see them in between stages and shootings and recordings and everything glamorous. You see them with blemishes on their skin and bone deep fatigue in their eyes. You see them as early in the morning, barely awake from their sleep, and late at night when they're already half asleep. You see them enjoying their food and worrying over phone batteries and laughing over old man jokes. You see them like oil and water at one second and then bread and jam in the other.

At those times, you see plain young men trying to live their lives. Plain humans.

You see men tougher than steel and kinder than saints. You see men robbed of some things they deserve in this world yet do not lament over it. You see men who never stop climbing and never stop giving. You see men who have forgiven the unthinkable. You see men who have been through nightmares and sweet victories. You see men who sing with their hearts and dance with their hearts and cry with their hearts and laugh with their hearts.

At those times, you feel blessed to be able to stay with them.

There are glimpses you've caught throughout the time with them. When they've let loose, when things are too overwhelming, when they simply do not care and there appear streaks of deviance.

There's something in the lingering touches, the soft gazes, the shared whispers. They're attached on the hip it's actually rare to see one without the other. Always in each other's orbit, in their own little bubble. It sometimes makes you hesitate on coming between them, afraid of intruding a private moment you feel like you don't deserve to witness.

 

At those times, it scares you because you know it's truly the way they are.

 

 

**Opposite**

**[ŏp′ə-zĭt] -  Altogether different, as in nature, quality, or significance; Sharply contrasting, antithetical.**

 

If you are the sun, then I am the moon.

How can you still shine so bright even after everything? You place such tremendous burden on your shoulders. I watch you and I can't help but wonder what makes your core. You blind me, yet I can't help but be pulled into your orbit. Aren't I such a parasite? Feeding off your light to find warmth for my own?

You said you need me, you've always needed me. I stayed behind you, creeping behind the shadows and never taking that one step forward. And then I stay beside you, and you share with me your light. 

So I can make it on my own.

 

If you are the earth, then I am the sky.

They say I am almighty, but I don't need that crown. It has led to what I am now. Jagged and jaded, too high above from the pictures they've painted on me. I become a faraway place to dream on, never a place to truly belong.

I see you and I want you, I want to make you mine. Not because I deserve it, but because I need you to ground me, yield me, make me less than whole all alone.

We are more than a sum of parts.

 

If I am home, then you are love.

You said you can always come back to me. That however long you've strayed and however far you've conquered, I am an unmoving oasis. That with me you feel safe, that you belong here and will always be. 

You occupy these walls I've built on my own, through the cracks and the space in between, somehow surreptitiously. I didn't want you to, it feels jarring to have you knocking on my door. Will you leave at dawn and come back at night? Will you leave the door open? Will you let others come in? Will you come back?

But you do come back, always.

 

If I am fire, then you are water.

There's never too much of you. Even when you've soaked me deep into the bones and drowned my lungs, I still try to curl my fingers and get a hold of you. I never could. Like how you couldn't banish me.

You danced around me, so elusive that it infuriates me, that it dawns on me that we're not meant to be the same. You and all your constance, I and all my life. It's something that I've learned to exist with.

 

Our acceptance, our misfortunes, our epiphanies, our monstrosities, our beings.

 

_You are mine and I am yours._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First started & finished: 19-Sept-2016
> 
> Omg my 1st homin in like ages ;_; I haven't had much muse although I have so much I wanna write /cries/. Anyway, hope u guys enjoy it!
> 
> Tell me your thoughts~
> 
> Talk to me on twitter/tumblr @ lunnashh . Comments are ♡


	6. Time

 

**Time**

**[tīm** **] - the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole.**

 

 

"Do you really think you will last?"

Mom was silent, dad was terse, eyes brimming with contained frustration and confusion--but most of all, worry. Who wouldn't? An eldest son, still so young and clueless, wanting to chase after something too grand, wanting to fly away so far.

Jihye grasped your hand tighter.

 

 

Bleak white walls echoing the dull rythm, wall-length mirrors reflecting your drained body. The lights were blinding but your face was dimming. Home was tempting--anything but this cruel big city. Just a call away, just some miles apart.

"You still in?" Heechul elbowed your rib. Not even half his usual strength. Donghae and Hyukjae were dancing still, shirts drenched with sweat.

"Yeah. Sure."

 

 

"You better quit now if you won't stay until the end."

A tilt of the head, big big eyes. Contemplating, almost curious. Not the slightest bit offended. _You_ were offended. 

"My mom is a Boa fan," a chuckle. "Do you want to meet her too?"

"...who? Your mom?"

"Boa, duh."

 

 

"How long do you think we're gonna last?" wondering, challenging, praying.

"Uh...20 years?"

"Maybe 50?"

"We'll be old hags!" a snort, a thwack on the back of the head.

"Forever?" you said. After all, 'Gods' are immortal, are they not? Might as well set the bar high, as a reminder.

"But nothing lasts forever," Changmin blinked owlishly. The silence melted away when he smiled, when the others cooed and started stroking his head.

Forever didn't seem so far-fetched to you then.

 

 

"She was nice. Pretty and smart, too," the rows of candles forming a giant heart were already snuffed out. Just like your mood for the rest of the week. Changmin swatted his hands around, fending the lingering smoke off.

"Age is just a number," Changmin swung his legs off the bed, drumming his heels towards the woodwork. Watching.

You were just in your early twenties. On top of the world, unreachable, unbeatable. Shining stages and humongous stadiums and fans' screams had been your dream; a girl to marry was another.

"Yeah, sure. I'll just marry when I'm 30 or something."

 

 

Learning new language was tongue-twisting and brain-wrecking. Singing in foreign language was frustratingly difficult. The meaning lost, the words stilted, dangling unfinished. Living in a foreign country was terrifying. Homesickness was gut-wrenching and tear-jerking. The days were long and tiring, the people were distant. 

"I can't," Changmin threw his slipper away. He'd given up talking to the slipper and the crows just outside their lousy dingy dorm.

"We can," you fetched your own slipper, clutched it beside your ear and whispered into its sole.

Changmin looked up at you. At least he'd stopped looking like he was seconds to a hysterical outburst.

 

 

"I can live like this forever," the others said. Toying with mp3 players, reading through fans' lovesick letters, wearing brand new shirts and jeans and watches and sunglasses and goddamn socks sent from all around the world. Awards and CDs stood still in their wooden shelf. Heavy with pride, weighing down their shoulders.

"I think I can't," Changmin was sitting cross-legged on the floor. A cup of ramen near his knee and One Piece's latest issue in one hand.

"Yes we can," the others retorted.

Changmin's smile was stilted.

 

 

"What's your birthday wish, Changmin-ah?"

"Idiot, you're not supposed to ask."

"Well, since today's special, we'll pay for anything you eat."

"Uh, we do that like, almost everyday."

"We don't, Yunho does."

Changmin laughed, shoulders shaking, glee in his eyes.

Later at midnight he came to you, silently, slowly. "For all of us to always stay together. That's one of my wish," he said softly.

You hummed, cherishing the moments your baby brother would seek you out, "but you said nothing lasts forever."

Changmin's eyes didn't humor you back. They were dreading. Knowing.

 

 

The insidious was always lurking close by.

They were drifting apart. You should've noticed before it was too late, you should've put a halt, you should've begged them, you should've--

"What are we gonna do?" it had been years since you heard Changmin talk like that. Timid, shaky.

"I-I don't know," it had been years since you were this lost.

 

 

"S'not fair," yet another sleepless night and bottomless bottles. The rooms felt too empty and the hallways too haunting. They were spinning in your eyes and ringing in your ears and clamoring in your head.

"I know," arms around your waist, steady, supporting, "I know, hyung."

"Whur--where did I go wrong..."

The bed was soft and welcoming, pulling you under and keeping the headache bearable. "Go to sleep, hyung," a hand on your forehead. Warm. Cold.

"S'not fair, I don't deserve this," you moaned into your pillow.

"Sleep, Yunho."

"I can't do this."

"Yunho," a croaked, wobbly voice. Pleading, praying. "Please, just--"

Fingers tangling with yours, nose bumping against yours, wetness on your face as you closed your dry eyes. The muffled sobs were almost a lullaby to you.

 

 

"I made some food," Changmin nudged a bowl of chicken and vegetables soup--a classic comfort food--towards you as you nursed your aching temples helplessly.

You ate slowly, the warmth filling your stomach and traveling into your chest and even your face. "S'good."

"Alright... Don't forget to do laundry today, okay?"

You nodded absently, chewed mechanically. "When did I get married."

After you gulped down the last of the soup, Changmin was still staring in bewilderment at you. And then you felt like cutting your tongue or slamming your head on the dining table. Or both.

And then Changmin cracked a smile. Barely lifting the corner of his lips, but it's there. A little bit sad, a little bit crooked, but it's there. And it gave a pang on your chest because you hadn't seen it for so long, too long.

 

 

Changmin ran his fingers through his untamed hair, as tangled as the neurons in his brains. "Should we go on?"

"There's no guarantee," you looked at him and you knew that he knew it too. Regardless, you wanted this, both of you.

Changmin had never looked so sure, a simmering passion in his eyes, "This time, we'll make it last."

 

 

"I can get used to that," Changmin laughed, carefree, adrenaline coursing through both your veins. The stadium was still quaking from fans' cheers. It was all coming back to you. _To both of you._

You no longer felt hollow.

 

 

"I won't let you decorate our place in Japan with your stupid paintings," Changmin flicked through some business magazine on his lap, sunglasses perched on his head and the plane's blanket spread out on his body.

"You'll be too tired from the tour rehearsals to notice," you reasoned.

"Well, you'll be too tired to notice when I've thrown them out, so," a jaw cracking yawn, a weight of head on your shoulder and tickling strands of hair against your cheeks. The horizon was blue on blue, no clouds dotting the morning sky. As clear as your head.

"If I bribe you will you relent?"

A barely there murmur, "If I kiss you will you shut up?" 

 

 

"I can't," Changmin groaned, half in pain and half in bliss. "I can't close my legs."

Your snicker was muffled against the crook of his neck. "I'm sorry," you said as you carefully pulled off and rolled him to his sides to cuddle him from behind.

"No you're not," Changmin was back to his grumpy, sleepy self. Yet the touch-thirsty side usually lying dormant in him suddenly flourished and you find yourself with an armful of a six-feet tall grown man.

 

 

"I can't believe you let them do this to me," Changmin was way past outraged he just sat there on the couch looking dead to the world. You spent the last 10 minutes trying to assuage his niggling about his goddamn haircut. That he was looking fine as usual and no, it wasn't quite a bowlcut and no, it wasn't orange per se. "Why am I always getting the worst end of their experiments? No, don't you deny that, Yunho."

"It'll grow back," running out of words, you just said what could probably be the most inane reassurance ever.

"Is this what they call midlife crisis?" Changmin ignored you. He just wanted to yammer into the air with no particular audience, you just happened to conveniently be there.

You really needed to go to the toilet, actually. "Hey, I'll still love you even if you're bald."

"Now that you mention it, I'd rather go bald," Changmin's eyes were so unseeing towards the tv in the living room you almost felt bad for him. About to slink away from Changmin's quiescent form to take care of your bladder, his eyes suddenly found yours. "You really meant that, though?"

"Well, usualy balding entails growing old and grey, so--"

Changmin's winsome smile was worth all the outpouring, after all.

 

"I knew we can do this," a decade and still going strong--stronger than ever.

"Here's to more decades," a promise, a will so strong you felt like you could move mountains and split seas.

Like you could conquer the world because you got this man by your side.

 

~*~

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whooo boy it's been a while since I posted anything for homin ;_; I've been sooo immersed in nct fandom lmao that's what u get for stanning new, active fandom. How r u guys doing? I can't believe it's less than a month to Yunho's discharge. We did it guys...we've come so far :"D and I should really read more tvxq fics ughhh
> 
> Comments are ♡  
> Find me on twitter @ lunnashh ^^


	7. Wedding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI I'M BACK BECAUSE TVXQ IS BACK AND MY EMOSHINKI IS BACK HITTING ME LIKE A TRAIN DID U ALL SEE THEIR FIRST VLIVE ARE U ALL EXCITED FOR THEIR SMSTATION SONGS SJDJBXHS I'm sorry it's just...I miss them so much it's no joke ;_;

 

**Wedding**

**[ˈwe-diŋ] - an act, process, or instance of joining in close association**

 

Jihye's gown billows around her feet like an upturned bouquet, framing her slim body and the white color makes her pale complexion shines even more. She's as calm as a clam, as opposed to Yunho whose first words after seeing her in her peach hanbok earlier that evening was "I want to throw up."

"This isn't your wedding," Jihye dabs away the sweat on Yunho's temple with tissue, hand as gentle as her gaze towards her brother.

"But I'm nervous," the collar of his suit seems so stifling, despite knowing for sure that the tailor has done nothing wrong with the measuring.

"Why are you even more nervous than me?" Jihye laughs, loud and uninhibited, just like when they were children and playing tags and Yunho had his foot stuck in a sewer.

He delivers his congratulatory speech, pouring all his love for his sister. His little sister who has always been his support system even from afar, who has grown up to be such a wonderful lady when Yunho's not looking, who never puts it against him for being such a busy person.

Yunho doesn't know why Changmin's arrival flushes down all the nerves away, just like that. He doesn't hear his mom's soft chuckle as he's already making his way to meet the younger man, a head taller than most yet looking like a lost toddler in the crowd. _His man_ , Jihye had joked months ago when they were wrapping up with the invitations. _I'll be waiting for your turn, oppa_ , she had said.

Changmin is wearing a sweater inside his light brown coat. Why is he wearing that. Yunho doesn't give a flying fuck (maybe he's run out of clothes and it's definitely better than wearing that stupid denim jacket). Changmin's face lights up when he approaches, still with that same sweet smile he gives--only for Yunho. He doesn't even notice Siwon in tow, hair slicked back and a tacky sunglasses perched on his nose, too busy melting into an embrace he's missed so so much.

"Congratulations," Changmin's grin matches Yunho's own. "She's so beautiful."

Yunho averts his attention back to the bride and groom, flustered at being the center of attention but unable to hide their sheer happiness. He sees his mom and dad on the front row seats, holding each other's arms as they share their joy with the guests. He sees their family and friends and colleagues, sending their well-wishes and enjoying the arrays of buffet. And then his eyes land on Changmin again.

For once, his attention is not on the fruit tarts or the roasted ducks on the tables. Maybe he's thinking about his own little sisters too.

And Yunho wants to cry, because he wants _this_ too. He wants to stand on the aisle and say his vows out loud for the world, to say 'I do' and hear Changmin say 'I do', to see the joy in their family and friends' faces mirroring their own, to kiss him silly until they're breathless and yearning for more. He's overwhelmed with love love love and Changmin, the one whom he's already imagined growing old with countless times before. He pictures his white-picket house, small and perfect, with dogs running in the backyard and flowers adorning the front. And then he's there, with Changmin, making a mess in the kitchen or lazing around in front of tv or cuddling late at night on their bed. Changmin laughs with him, cries with him, living and loving. And then Changmin's humming a tune, gently rocking the tiny wriggling bundle in his arms, smiling like there's nowhere he'd rather be than here.

"Oh, you poor thing," Changmin mimicks what Jihye did to Yunho hours before. Only this time it's because of tears. "You're getting soft in your old age."

"I'm not old," Yunho sniffs, slightly indignant after Changmin had thrown a balding joke a few weeks ago at his visit. "I'm happy for her, Changmin."

"I know."

"And I'm happy too. With you," Yunho clears his throat.

Changmin pauses on his dabbing, slowly pulling his hand away but maintaining his eye contact. A commotion from the middle of the ballroom catches their attention, in the form of the guests cheering as Jihye and her now-husband share a kiss. It's the brotherly-instinct kicking in that makes Yunho's eyes twitch, but Changmin out right laughs at him and covers his eyes with his palms.

"Don't be like that! He's your in-law now!"

"Right," Yunho turns sheepish at it, but immediately grins widely when he sees the newlywed being lovey-dovey.

When photo session with the guests comes, Changmin nudges Yunho to go upfront with all his family member. Yunho just shrugs, claiming he'd rather be with his plus one. Changmin raises an eyebrow at that, but the corner of his lips is unmistakably twitching upward.

"Just so you know," Changmin links their fingers together, hidden quite well as they are standing right at the back row. "I don't want a beach wedding. The sand gets everywhere and it's a pain to clean off."

Well, too bad. Seeing Changmin strolling along the shore, white slacks rolled up to his knees and a flower on his suit pocket, would've been lovely. The wind would've ruffled his hair big time.

"Well then," Yunho chuckles, grips the hand in his tighter, feeling the familiar weight and warmth. Files Changmin's words for later because he might be able persuade him in the future. Their future. Wow. "Is that--is that an 'I do'?"

"And ballroom wedding is like, too stuffy--uh, hyung, you technically haven't asked me anything."

"You realize we're attending a wedding in a ballroom right now, right?" Yunho gives him a side-eye.

"You realize I'm standing in front of you and I can hear you, right?" Siwon, who happens to be standing in front of them, turns his head back with an amused look.

Changmin clucks his tongue and gently pushes Siwon's chin around so he's looking forward, "You realize you're eavesdropping on a private matter, right?"

"Do I get to be best man--"

"Siwon-hyung, _dear_ ," Changmin uses both hands to slowly twist Siwon's head around again. "Smile for the camera."

 

 

 

"Well damn, it looks like an alien."

"Don't say that! It's my nephew!" Yunho slaps Changmin's arm in retaliation, both of them crowding over Yunho's phone to stare at the picture that Jihye has just sent to the Jung's family chatroom. The ultrascan photo looks too grainy for them to be able to tell anything, but it's still enough to remind Yunho of his imminent unclehood.

"Yunho, it looks like Mangdoongie when she's still tiny," Changmin still peers in awe at the photo despite having been doing so for the last fifteen minutes.

"Shut up, Mangdoong's not even human," Yunho groans, sinking further into their living room couch "And Changminnie, she is tiny...she won't grow bigger."

"How can you say that, she's a growing girl!" Changmin pinches Yunho's arm, turning to pet his little Maltese who has been curling on his lap all along. "I'm sorry baby, he's just being rude."

Mangdoongie doesn't even budge when Changmin deposits her on Yunho's lap to check on his phone.

"So, Siwon says congrats," Changmin says as he scrolls through his KakaoTalk, "Huh, he just sent his own face's sticker. What a self-centered dude."

"Self-confident, Changminnie," Yunho admonishes, snorting, "And what are you doing chatting with him so often anyway?"

"He's been calling me too. I think he's lonely without Kyuhyun, I dunno. Dude keeps asking me ' _Changminnie who do you love most? Yunho or me?_ '" Changmin mimicks Siwon's voice gruffly. "The hell. I mean, I love him, but _man_."

" _Huh_ ," Yunho drawls, slowly tilting his head at the new information.

"Seriously? You're pulling the jealous boyfriend card now? I thought we're past that 'tumultuous, brittle, emotionally-constipated' phase and have entered the 'boring, peaceful, too-old-for-shits' phase."

"Nah, I'm not worried," Yunho ruffles Changmin's hair, earning him a loud protest. "Oh, look, your mom just sent my face's sticker. Tell her I love her."

"Tell her yourself, she's always fawning over you and Siwon-hyung," Changmin laughs, shrugging Yunho's hand off his head.

"She told me to call her mom. That's a big stamp of approval if I look at it."

"My sisters went to browse wedding color-schemes and wedding caterings after Jihye's wedding. They don't even have boyfriends," Changmin grunts, scrolling through his sister's message in his own family chatroom that says 'when will uncle Changminnie upgrade into hubby Changminnie???'

Yunho laughs out loud at that, "Aren't we so lucky?"

There's a small clutter of dirty dishes on the coffee table, leftover from their morning movie marathon. The tv is playing some mundane news that neither are too keen to follow right now. Changmin is tapping away at his phone, yawning and tickling Mangdoong's tummy with his toe. His cartoon t-shirt is nearly faded and Yunho can see a few loose threads at the hem at his boxers. Yunho himself isn't in a far off condition, what with his tank top and sweatpants. And Yunho pictures moments like these in his head, vivid like they're coalescing memories instead of mere dreams. Bickering over who's doing dishes and laundry, reminiscing over evening music programs, memorizing tips from travel programs for their next trips--no job, no obligations, just them. Together.

 

Changmin clasps his hand, pulling Yunho out of his reverie. His eyes are droopy and he's leaning heavily on the backrest, but his smile is blinding still. Yunho doubts it'll ever fade even in fifty years.

 

"Yeah. We are, aren't we?"

 

~*~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finished: 20 September 2017, TVXQ - Destiny coincidentally playing in my phone, tears in my eyes after their 1st Vlive
> 
> Hit me up on twitter @ lunnashh !♡ Our fandom is gon go back with a bang guys ;)


	8. Grief

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (WARNING: I will be talking about Jonghyun, so please don't hesitate to skip this author note, or even this chapter altogether, if you feel like it's triggering to you)
> 
> Hi guys, how have you been doing? It's been a tough week for me in general. I've been so devastated by the news of Jonghyun's passing, because he was my first love in kpop. 
> 
> I remember jamming to RingDingDong (the first kpop mv that I watched) with my best friends, we were all kpop/SHINee fans and it was such a wonderful time. Their music had been a huge part back in my teenage days. The thing is, I actually haven't been following SHINee's activities but they will always hold a place in my heart. It felt so surreal when I heard the news...I kept scrolling twitter like crazy because I just /couldn't/ believe it. For more than 2 hours I was still holding to that hope, that he was still alive, that this was all just a misunderstanding and a cruel joke. I prayed and prayed desperately.
> 
> But then SM released the statement and I just knew...that he's not coming back. The one group that I thought will last long and reach even higher as five had to go through this tragedy. Never in my wildest dream had I imagined this would happen. It hurt so much and I haven't cried so hard in like two years...
> 
> I'm feeling better these days. Still have the occasional slump, will probably be this way for a while, but I'll be better. Jonghyun was such a lovely, talented, beautiful person. He battled with depression yet he was still so loving to his family friends and fans, until his last moments. If I had to find a silver lining, it's perhaps that even in the darkest time, there's always light at the end of the tunnel. It might be hard, but hey, we've come this far haven't we?
> 
> You're strong. It's okay not to be okay, and if you reach out to people for help it doesn't mean that you're being weak or bothersome. It means that you are a survivor and you are still fighting for you--the deserving you. Look around you, there are people who love you and want to help you, if you let them.
> 
> Please remember that, dear, you are loved and you are not alone♥
> 
> (Sorry for the long rant. I needed to let this out...)

 

**Grief**

**[ɡriːf]- keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret.**

 

The news came striking like a thunder in daylight. They were swept off the ground and dunked underwater, leaving no chance to grasp the situation and breathe. The moment their manager interrupted them in the middle of their tour rehearsal with a blanched face, they'd already had a bad feeling.

But not this, never this.

 

 

 

_Yunho remembered the time he visited his grandfather in the hospital. He was sick but he had (always) looked lively and vigorous, making jokes with his children and bantering with his wife still. He was a figure that Yunho had always admired. He was the one that had never doubted Yunho when he chose this career, not even once. 'If that's what your heart chose, then give it all your might,' he had said; internalized in his way of life._

_"What have you been up to, grandson?" his grandfather had clapped Yunho's back as a greeting. He was lying on the paper white hospital bed, looking stiff and uncomfortable._

_Yunho grinned sheepishly, feeling kinda out of place with his raggedy spiky hair and loop earrings they had asked him to wear for the group's concept. "We're preparing for a comeback, grandpa. Practicing and recording and stuffs."_

_Truth to be told, there were times when Yunho had doubted if he'd chosen the right way for him. Sure, they'd debuted and done pretty well, but was it enough? Would they survive in the tough entertainment industry? They'd be discarded off the side if they couldn't keep up with the others, if they couldn't do better. Forgotten, just like that._

_"I'm trying, grandpa. But I don't know if it's enough," Yunho had wanted to say._

_"Are you tired?" his grandfather had asked, a seemingly knowing look in his eyes._

_"Yeah," Yunho blurted, embarrassed. He was tired. The tough schedules, the endless routine, the slump._

_His grandfather had smiled instead, "Good, good."_

_Yunho stared at him in disbelief._

_"You had a frown on your forehead," his grandfather leaned forward to gently brush the frown away from Yunho's face. His fingers were wrinkly, warm. "It means you want to do more. You have so much more to look forward to. Have faith in yourself, Yunho. Like I have faith in you."_

_The words of wisdom unknowingly fanned the fire within him. Yunho grinned, snaggletooth and all, because he wanted to prove that he was capable. Of doing the things he chose, of reaching unattainable things._

_"Thanks gramp, I'll make you proud someday."_

_"You already did, you always will."_

_The image of his grandfather giving him a thumbs up, a gesture that had somehow given Yunho incredible strength, would be Yunho's last memory of him alive._

_He strived to stay strong, vowed in the name of his grandfather's grave that he wouldn't shed a tear--wouldn't let himself cry with all his might--until he'd reached the top. Until he was truly, irrevocably happy with his life._

_And cried he did._

 

 

 

The next thing they knew, they were gathered up somewhere in the venue's staff room. Sam-san and technical staffs and their manager and Kakiyan were there and they were being informed about the situation. There were at least a dozen people there, and Yunho was hearing their voices, but he couldn't _feel_ anything. He felt numb, like this was all just a dream and he was stuck out of his own body. Forced to live in a horrible nightmare.

"...I'm so sorry for your loss," he heard them said, hush and quiet, a verdict. And it was too damn silent he'd hear a pin drop. And his mind was going a thousand miles per second and he couldn't stop. "You can take as much time as you'd like, Yunho, Changmin. Whatever it is, we will respect your decision."

"What?" he heard Changmin croaked out from beside him, just as confused with him.

"The concerts. We can talk over it, later if you'd like," Sam-san offered them a sad smile, a strong grip on their shoulders before he too followed the others out of the door to give Yunho and Changmin some space. "Once again, I'm so sorry..."

Somehow the silence felt deafening. Yunho sank further into the couch, eyes unseeing towards the rest of the room. There were water bottles, both empty and half empty, scattered across the tables. He could see bento boxes that some of the staffs must had had not eaten yet. Changmin's jacket was draped over a chair.

Changmin was sitting motionless beside him, the rise and fall of his chest the only thing indicating that he was still there. He had his phone in a loose grip, screen showing a chat room with someone. It dimmed into black after Changmin ignored it for long.

"Last week he was--Minho told me about his concert that he attended," Changmin put his phone down on the table, scooted closer to Yunho's side. "Kept teasing me, 'hyung, when will you have your own solo concert too?'"

Yunho gripped Changmin's hand with his, slightly shaking. Maybe it was him, maybe it was both of them.

"I had sent my congratulations to him. I said sorry too because I couldn't come," Changmin closed his eyes, tight, wrenching out a memory of something that wasn't supposed to be so painful. "He thanked me. Sent me a picture of them backstage too. Him, Minho, Jinki, Kibum, and Taemin. All of them. They--"

They were smiling, all of them. Bright grins of little brothers that they had adored from the moment they debuted. They looked like they could conquer the world--Changmin was sure that they could. They'd come so far, everybody loved them.

"They--he looked so _happy_ ," Changmin's voice was barely a whisper, "I didn't think that--"

"We didn't know," Yunho touched their foreheads together, trying to lend his strength as much as Changmin was lending his while they were falling apart at the seams. "We couldn't have known..."

 

 

 

_There were orbs of light, dotting the grasses and bushes with pale yellow. Like christmas lights under the night sky. Changmin followed one slowly floating nearby, trying to swat at it with his short hands. It kept escaping between his fingers._

_"They are called fireflies, little one," Changmin was hoisted up by someone--scent of lavender filling his nose, the coarseness of a woolen sweater against his palms. His grandma was fondly holding him in her lap, hair messily tied into a low bun. "Let us not catch them so they can fly freely."_

_"Fireflies," Changmin repeated, tested the word in his tongue. His big, curious eyes trailed over his grandma's backyard from their comfortable seat on the porch. "Why are they glowing?"_

_The question made her smile, for some reason. "Some say that they are the spirits of those who have passed."_

_Changmin didn't like the sound of it. His pudgy face scrunched into a frown, "Ghosts?"_

_Her laugh slightly shook Changmin on his perch, "No, Changminnie. Not ghosts."_

_"But dead..." Changmin didn't understand. People that had died either turned into a ghost or a zombie if they didn't die peacefully. That was what his friends said._

_"Memories, Changminnie," his grandmother pressed a kiss into his nose, "Even those who have died wouldn't really disappear from our lives, would they?"_

_"But, but, my little hamster Seungpa dead. Gone," Changmin remembered he was so upset when he found his favorite little guy lying lifeless in its cage, unresponsive when he poked at it with his fingers. It wasn't there the next morning, his parents saying that it was now resting in peace somewhere up above. Even though Changmin was sure his little guy couldn't fly before._

_"As long as you cherish those memories of them, you will always carry a part of them as you live," she always took the time to answer to Changmin's curious questions. So patient and gentle; someone who had seen so much and been through so much yet still wanting to give back to others. Never once had Changmin seen her mad or raise her voice._

_Changmin, a mere boy, hadn't really understood her words back then. All he knew was that of definite things. If it was there in front of his eyes, then it was real--meanwhile it was most probably just a figment of his imagination if it wasn't tangible for him. As he grew older (much wiser, much more weary), he realized that what you see isn't always what you get._

_Death, too, was very much real. The bereavement was what often felt surreal._

_Changmin remembered crying in his mother's arms, hands gripping his sisters' tightly, his father sunken into a nearby chair. The news of his grandmother's passing was delivered in similar situation too, throwing their jam-packed schedules in disarray. The flight and journey back passed by in a blur, only coming back to a stand still when he stood in front of the coffin._

 

 

 

It was then that reality finally caught up on Changmin. It was the face of somebody he knew, somebody who used to be so bright and full of life. Somebody whom he talked to just over a week ago. A dear little brother to him and Yunho.

Somebody who was hiding such immense pain beneath all the smiles.

He was gone too soon.

Changmin wished somebody--anybody had noticed. Could he be saved then? Could it make any difference? Changmin knew all too well of the pressures of lifestyle such as theirs. The ugly, evil thoughts that could plant themselves in his mind with no warning. He'd drowned in desperation before he had finally sought help. He managed to survived, though not unscathed.

"I think he--he'd really planned for this. Way before," Minho, face sunken and eyes nearly swollen shut, said quietly beside Changmin's rigid form. Taemin was hiding his face against Minho's back. Jinki hung his head low. Changmin couldn't imagine how Kibum must had been feeling right now.

' _Why?_ ' the rueful question was probably swarming in their heads, would be for a long time.

Changmin could only wipe his tears away and wonder, wonder, regret.

 

 

 

They missed the funeral, because they could only have the lesser evil of the two options. It was raw and hurting still, but show must go on.

 

 

 

The moon was pearl blue when Changmin looked up at the clear sky.

 

 

 

He smiled.

 

 

 

"I hope you find your peace there."

 

 

 

~*~

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Started: 23 December 2017  
> Finished: 24 December 2017
> 
>  
> 
> For my angel, Jonghyun. I hope you find your peace up in Heaven. I will always love you♥

**Author's Note:**

> First written: 4-Jan-2016  
> Finished: 27-Jan-2016
> 
> Comments are <3  
> Find me on twitter @ lunnashh ^^


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